Downward Spiral

I guess it is no secret now that I suffer from chronic depression. I am on 3 different anti-depressants and for a long time I was doing okay. Then something snapped. I started missing work and school to lay around the house all day. I dropped out of school thinking if I took some stress out of my life things would get back on track. I took a lighter load at work and decided to take care of me a bit. It didn't really help.

Now I am facing unemployment right before we pick up our lives in 87 days and move to a new town. I am scared, confused, and yes...depressed. I had to talk myself into coming to work today. Then when I got here all I wanted to do was run back home and get under the blankets.

I gave up most of my vices for "healthy alternatives". I stopped smoking, which got replaced with healthy food. (BTW I got fat!). I gave up drinking adult beverages for...wait food again. damn. I gave up going out on the town and flirting with boys that were not good for me for living with a wonderful man who loves me. Now I am addicted to food mmm french fries and taking 3 different antidepressants just to feel halfway normal. I have so forgotten what normal feels like.

Don't get me wrong internet, I am doing better than I was 2 years ago. I am not an almost-functioning alcoholic. I am not working a job I hate for shitty wages and getting bit by snakes on a daily basis (that is a another post). I feel secure in my relationship for the first time in a very long time. I have close friends that won't stab me in the back if I loose the grip on my crazy (unlike my former friends - total assholes). I have a really great life, and it could be soooo much worse.

I am really satisfied for the most part, I am not sure what is going on. I know that I am starting to spiral downward again and I want to stop it before it becomes out of control.

On the bright side - I actually am aware that I am starting the spiral instead of ending up in the bottom of a bottle of vodka and looking for someone to save me. I am trying to save myself. Score one for the House Monkey!

3 Response to "Downward Spiral"

  1. bitchylibrarian Says:

    I'm going to put on my doctor hat and blame stress for your downward spiral. You mentioned that you're facing unemployment AND moving? One of those is enough to cause me enough stress to fell a large elephant, and you're dealing with BOTH? Yeah, stress.

    Change in any capacity is enough to fuck with someone, and even though your life is going relatively well, the underlying stress could be enough to tip the scales into the negative side.

    At least you have a strong support network and have recognized that something isn't right. The last time I went on a depression bender, I stopped eating and took multivitams as a substitute for food. Oops?

  2. pthsmonkey Says:

    I know it is stress. But part of me - a very large chunck actually - tells me I am a grown woman and I can't escape stress no matter what. I need to grow a pair and deal with it and stop blaming depression...but then the small stronger part of me says "fuck that" and I head for the chocolate and the bed.

    Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. Eating is a good thing. DON'T.STOP.EATING.AGAIN!!!!!

  3. Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Jenny, I think it's great you are in touch with your feelings. Ithink the Bitchy Librarian is right. Change is hard, and moving is a biggie. Please take care of yourself. I think you should check out the blog Totally Centered Cynthia. She talkes a lot dealing with depression/substance abuse/over eating. I really enjoy her writing.

    Have you thought about changing yoru medication? I know sometimesit takes awhile to get it dialed in just right.

    Please hang in there!!

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