Where Have You Been?

I have been out of the loop for a few weeks now. Nothing major happened - well nothing tragic anyway. I have been cleaning, working (more on this in a bit), and getting ready for the move and school. I would like to thank those that have emailed to check on me. I feel truly loved :)

PhotobucketI have been cleaning and purging. When we move we are losing precious closet space, that means we I need to get rid of some of our my crap. I have a huge pile ready to donate. I am so proud of myself for getting rid of stuff. You have NO idea!

I am still unemployed. Planning on staying that way for a while, however, I still have a conference in New Orleans the first week of June that I need to prepare for. I have been working with my partner on our presentation. I am also helping my mother organize her house so that has taken some of my time as well.

We went and signed our lease in Aggieland! While we were there I also enrolled at Blinn College. I didn't get to register, but I will on June 10th. I am really excited and nervous. I am not sure if I am more excited or more nervous - but I know I am both.

I also got my baby bird back from my mom. I gave him to mom because between us working and going to school we were never home to give him the attention he needed. But now I am unemployed and when I do go back to school I will only be away from the house a few hours a day. I missed him horribly and felt I needed something more than Boyfriend to nurture.

PhotobucketMy bird is a 3 year old sun conure named Maui. He is adorable and very smart - sometimes too smart. He only has one foot because he got a string tied around his foot that cut off the circulation. The vet couldn't save it, even though we tried, and he had to have it amputated. It doesn't seem to phase him though. He runs, climbs, and plays like it was never there. Maui can say "peek-a-boo" (which sounds like peeboo), "fruit", "bath", "come on" and off course "SQUAWK" he is a very loud bird!! I am working on training him to use his inside voice. I will keep you posted.

So that is what is going on... nothing tragic. I am feeling better, the new meds seem to be working a bit better than the old ones. I will be more on top of the blog. I get so distracted - GO ADD!

Thanks again for all the emails :)

I Am Honored!

KLZ over at Taming Insanity honored me with the Versatile Blogger Award yesterday! I am totally honored! I love her blog and she always has great comments. I am very very happy right now! Thank you KLZ! There are some things I have to do to accept this award:
  • Thank the person who gave you this award. 
  • Share 7 things about yourself. 
  • Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic! 
So 7 things about myself....

1. I hate wet bread. It makes me cry. I can't stand the site of it. If I touch it I tear up and want to throw up. It is nasty and disgusting.

2. I am VERY afraid of dolls. Not all dolls. Just the ones that look real. Or the ones that have eyes that open and close... it is even worse if one of their eyes are broken and only one opens and closes. *shiver*

3. I totaled my mother's car when she was one payment from paying it off. Oops.

4. I have had a least 7 majors in college. I switch all the time. It took me 7 years to get my Associate's Degree because I had to keep starting over. Go ADD!

Photobucket5. Wonder Woman was my hero for a long time when I was a kid. My 5th birthday party was a Wonder Woman birthday party! It was awesome. I also had Wonder Woman Underoos to which I added a yellow headband, a jump rope (for my magic lasso), and cowboy boots (I didn't have red Go-Go boots but I always wanted some). I even named my dog Diana after Diana Prince, Wonder Woman's alter ego.

6. I am allergic to cilantro and hot peppers but I love Tex Mex food. It is a hard life to live!

7. I have a fascination with serial killers. Not the serial killer themselves, but with the psychology behind their "behavior". One of my favorite shows is Criminal Minds on CBS. I may go into forensic psychology... it is still up in the air.

And as for the 15 bloggers - I am going to do a few less than that.

Mommy on the Spot

The Pretend Writer

Lessons in Life and Light

Thanks again KLZ for this great honor! I really really appreciate it!

Starting from Scratch

I am sorry it has been so long since I posted. I have been really down lately. I went to the doctor on Thursday and we adjusted my meds so we are "waiting and seeing". He also recommended I get a depression workbook. So after my appointment Boyfriend and I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up this book:


I spent the morning taking "Your Depression Inventory" (pg 39) an was amazed by just how depressed I really am. My therapist mentioned that he thought I was holding back. I have been - more than I know. The only thing I scored low in (1 out of 5) was "I think about killing myself." I don't think about killing myself. I don't have a plan in place. But then another question came up, "I want to fall asleep and never wake up." Now I have said that many times; I never thought of it as suicidal thoughts. I just think of it as being really really tired. According to the book it is one and the same. (Boyfriend agreed). This means I have been lying to myself and my therapist all this time! Not on purpose - but it is deepeI than I ever imagined.

I am supposed to take this inventory every two weeks as I work through my recovery. I am so scared that I am beyond hope. Frighten that I will figure out it isn't worth it. Maybe I am meant to be a depressed,anxious, angry person! That is what drugs and alcohol are for right... oh yeah... I stopped doing things that were "bad for me".

PhotobucketI used to have a "problem" with pain meds and alcohol. I have been clean for some time now - but the urge gets very strong sometimes. My doctor asked me if I was taking any drugs other than my meds. I said,"No. I wish I were sometimes, but no." He then made me take a urinalysis tox screen for drug use. This really made me angry. I am not using. I said I wasn't using. You are making me feel like an addict... wait. FUCK!

It was the first time I was ever treated like an addict. I hid my addiction pretty well from most people. I never got an intervention (although I probably needed one) and I was never ever told to pee in a cup to see if I was telling the truth. I know now that is why it pissed me off so much. In that moment, I was an addict. I was hurt that even a stranger wouldn't trust me to tell the truth. I wanted to go home and take a pill and go to bed. In that moment I wanted to give into my addiction to get away from the feeling of being an addict. That is when I realized I had to start taking things seriously. I was on a dangerous road and about to swerve into incoming traffic. That is when I decided to go to the bookstore and buy that book.

I will keep you posted on everything.

P.S. I am officially on unemployment and a full-time house monkey for the next 3 months. I am excited about that!

I Have No Idea...

Today I am stumped. I have no idea what to do with myself. I am home alone for the first time in a long time. Boyfriend is out with his friend and I was going to fart around on the internet. I didn't fart around for long before I had an epiphany. I am bored with the internet today.

I am sure this has to be a mistake. How can one be bored with the internet?

have read all the blogs in my blogroll and responded where I thought comments were needed. I have been active-ish on Twitter tonight - but the udder enjoyment I usually feel from exploring the internet just isn't there tonight. I have no clue what is going on, but I am sure it is a sign that the end of days is coming... prepare yourselves.

Hairball Bunnies and Irritation

I spent 1/2 a day cleaning our bathroom. It wasn't that gross, but I cleaned everything. I cleaned out from under the sink, cleaned the walls, and the baseboards. Boyfriend even commented on how nice the bathroom looked and smelled (which is very uncharacteristic of him). I was so proud of myself. Something to write in my cookie jar journal.

So now, don't get me wrong. I know I am a part-time House Monkey. I know it is my job to clean up around the house. HOWEVER, I also know it is my job to go to work - just as much as he does. So is it really too much to demand ask for him to gather up all the hair he leaves all over the bathroom? It was in the shower, on the back of the toliet, on the sink, and on the floor. I understand he has long hair. I even understand that hair falls out. What I can't wrap my head around is how hard it must be for a man to bend over and gather all the hair and place it in the trash can that his House Monkey so lovingly placed beside the toliet. Right there. In plain site. Well within reach and I might add with a nice new shiny trash bag in it to collect all of the well - lets face it - hair.

I was so pissed irritated that I actually thought about gathering all of Boyfriend's hair and placing a nice big hairball on his computer keyboard. Maybe then when he went to type half asleep he would feel the hairball and magically begin to remember him to do this simple task that I have been asking  him to do for 2 years.

Then I had a thought. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. He knows exactly how to extract his revenge... An image ran through my head - with full sound and color. I could see Boyfriend, with a smirk of satisifaction on his face, fashioning tiny rabbit ears and a bow on said hairball. He will then say that he has a new pet and named it George (or Billy or even worse HARRY) and would ask if I wanted to hold it. He would torture me with that hairball until I wanted to kill him.

Needless to say, the hair is still all over the bathroom. I will clean it up and bitch ask him to please remember to clean it up next time. I.AM.A.BADASS!

The Final Countdown

Europe,80s rock,Final CountdownI am very sad today...I woke up and realized that I only have one week left in this job. I want to go on record as saying I absolutely LOVE this job. No, I am not just saying that. I really love this job. I have the most amazing boss, one who genuinely cares about her employees and gives credit where credit is due. She takes care of us and is actually tearing up that I am leaving.

I contacted unemployment - and I will get enough to make it. It is of course A LOT less than I make now - but it is better than nothing. It is going to be pouring more stress in an already stressful situation. Packing up our lives and moving to a new town to start school at new schools. Grad school for Boyfriend, going back to full-time student for me. Leaving our friends, our family, and our jobs that we have had for 5+ years. I am stressed... so stressed.

I can feel the depression monster peeping in the windows. He is an ugly bastard. I have been beating him off with a stick, but my stick is wearing thin. I am not giving up though - not by a long shot. I have an appointment with my psychologist next Thursday. I am taking my meds, a matter of fact I have a refill called in. I am doing my cookie jar journal, and that is helping me feel like I am actually getting things accomplished.

So this is it internet - the final countdown to life as this House Monkey knows it...7 days until unemployment and 81 days until we move. (On the bright side, I will have 75 days to pack our apartment properly!)

And for those that was so hoping this was a tribute to Europe - I will not disappoint:

The A-Team

A-team,80's TV,Hannibal,Mr. T I was reading the comments on This Might Just Work from yesterday, I was inspired to write a post this morning. Remember the show from the 80s "The A-Team". I absolutely LOVED that show. I would watch it every time it came on and then in syndication. I would watch it today if I could get my hands on it. I hear there is a movie remake coming soon - and I am excited!

But the muses in my monkey heart reminded me of good 'ol John "Hannibal" Smith - always smoking his cigar. At the end of every episode he would say his famous catch phrase, which I ALWAYS shouted with him, "I love it when a plan comes together."

I love it when a plan comes together... that is how I am feeling these days. School is going to work out and I am working on feeling more confident and learning to enjoy my small victories every day.

My therapist suggested that I write down my accomplishments everyday. I thought he was insane. Really make a list of all the things I accomplish in a day. It would be a total waste of time. The things that I get done in a day do not amount to enough to write down. My list would be so small and so insignificant that I would feel worse instead of better.

But one day my friend asked me, "What did you do today?" So I started listing the seemingly minuscule things I did that day. After I was done with my list my friend said, "Wow! You got a lot accomplished today!"

...wait... I did... wait, no. No I didn't. ....confusion...thinking... wait... I DID!

murdock,A-Team,sock puppetI wasn't giving myself enough credit. I did get a lot accomplished that day. Maybe my therapist has a point - maybe if I make a list and give myself some cookies now and then for things I accomplished I might start realizing that I am actually accomplishing things.

I am starting today. I am keeping a "Cookie Jar" journal so that I can give myself cookies and feel accomplished. The plan is coming together nicely and who knows - by the time school starts I may be less like Murdock and more like Hannibal...although I will probably keep my sock puppet for company.

I couldn't end this post without a tribute to Murdock - so here is the best chase scene ever to air on broadcast television!

This Might Just Work!

Can it be internet? Is it true that things might actually go the way I want them to?

I sat down with the class schedule from Blinn College yesterday. I found a schedule where I wouldn't have to be in class too early (I could still run daytime errands) and I wouldn't be out too late (still help with dinner). I can still be a part-time house monkey and go to school full time!

I also found out that I can ride the bus for FREE! Yes FREE! It is a 10 minute bus ride from our new apartment to Blinn. This isn't public transit in the normal sense. This is for college students only transit. You have to have a college ID to ride! So it is more of a shuttle than a  bus. This means instead of dumping more money into my clunker I can actually sell it for some extra money.

I also found out I can collect unemployment over the summer. YAY! So with that, the money I get from the car, plus some money I have coming from a job. I might just make it through the summer without having to float on credit cards. Can this be real.

If I am dreaming do not wake me up. I want this to last a while. I am getting more and more confident and more and more excited with each passing day! WOO HOO!!

Change is Good? Right?

Well internet - I have made a major decision. It was gut-wrenching and hard. There were a lot of tears and some disagreements in the house, but the decision was made. I am going back to school. When we move to College Station I will be attending Blinn College, the community college in Bryan,  and joining their Transfer Articulation Program (TAP). Basically I will be attending Blinn for 2 semesters and then I am guaranteed admission into Texas A&M.

You many be asking, "Why was this such a hard decision?" It took me 7 years to get my first Associate Degree in General Math and Science. I changed my major about 5 times and had to keep starting over. Depression took over some semesters and I didn't finish that semester's classes, so I would have to keep retaking classes. I vowed every semester that I would fight through and finish, but more times than not I just gave up. I did eventually finish and transfered to the University of Houston - Downtown. In the 2 semesters I attended, I only finished one class with a C, and only because it was an online class.

So there were doubts, both my own and Boyfriend's, that I would follow through. It isn't my ability to handle the course work that was in question. It is the fact that I have a problem finishing things I start. We will be in College Station for 5 years while Boyfriend is in grad school. So I have to finish my new Associate Degree in Criminal Justice and transfer to A&M to get my Bachelor's in Forensic Science in that same time frame. I am in my mid 30's it is time to get this done!

It really sucks when you are known for not finishing what you start. It is even worse when it is Boyfriend doubting that you will follow through. But I decided. This is it. I have this one chance to prove to Boyfriend, my family, my friends, and more importantly myself, that I can do this. I am smart. I love forensics. I can do this.

This also means that my Full-Time House Monkey aspirations are put on hold until further notice. I am trading in that aspiration for Full-Time College Monkey (ha ha). I am actually getting excited. The fear is fading away and I am feeling more and more confident. I am sure with the support of Boyfriend, my friends, and you I will be able to do this!